You're missing out on so much and that's what breaks my heart the most. I know you are always around us. I know you've had a hand in Everything that's happened in my life for the past 2 years; and none of it would have been possible if it wasnt for you. I try to not harbor on everything your missing but its difficult. I'm still angry ... just as angry as I was last year... if not more! I keep thinking to myself ... Moving caused me to miss out on 3 years of You! And for WHAT? Moving is my lifes biggest regret! I wish I could tell you I'm Sorry! I know you supported me moving and you wouldn't want me walking around with this guilt but I am.
I should be focusing on what's to come and all the good things that have been brought into my life; but I'm struggling. I'm struggling with the "for what??" part! nothing good came out of me moving. Ok, ok some good things came out of it like me coaching volleyball again with Rachael and ya that's pretty much it.... you see where I'm struggling with this?!?!? =p
I'm still extremely numb to all the joy and happiness that is in my life. I'm unable to basque in those moments of happiness for fear of when they will end. I find myself holding back my heart and feelings. My faith continues to be tested and at the end of the day I realize that I need to Trust in the Lord and your greatest lesson (as Lesle so wonderfully put it) "...greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world." 1 John 4:4
With that being said; Thank you for guiding me the last 2 years. Thank you for everyone and everything you've brought into my life, and taken out of it. I wish you could meet the people you've brought into my life. Like Katie, Carmen and their Families; Mek and his Family; even Shea's boyfriend Sean. You would love all of them I'm sure of it.
I miss you so much! Thank you for always being there. There's so much more I want to share but its late and getting difficult to put my thoughts into motion so for now... Good night, Thank you, I Love You and I MISS YOU
P.S. Thank you for visiting Uncle David!
Ok I'm back... and now I can think a little clearer. It's a wonder what rest can do for you LOL
As much as it feels like its more difficult this year than it was last year; the difference is, this year even with the guilt there are also more people in my life; great people that You brought into my life; to help me with everything. I know that I have a long way to go and I should probably get some therapy LoL and unlike Shea I still can't think of things you've taught me and write them down. Its more of a deja vu type of thing for me where I'll do something and later realize and say "ya I got that from mom." I suppose that's due to the fact that my mind is still trying to get past the wishing you were here and not missing out on everything; rather than remembering your legacy and everything you left behind that's within each of us. But I'll get there. I know that the future has many struggles for me but atleast now I wont feel like I have to go through them alone. The light at the end of the tunnel is a little brighter and that is thanks to you telling me constantly to hold on to my Faith and give it all up to God and believe that everything will be ok.
"Dear God, Please give me the strength to get through this. Give me also an understanding heart and give me grace so that I can also extend grace! I give it all up to you Lord." - My Mama's Prayer
You were right mama. The words on these pages reflect the exact thing you would say to me. Thank you for leaving this behind for me. I Love You Marmy!
