Give it up...Let it go...Throw it down

I come from a rather large family. There are 6 kids and whenever my family can all get together its such a beautiful sight! So warm and full of laughter, tears, love and even fights. We are a bi-coastal family so when we are all able to be together its always extremely memorable and monumental. We have always been a very close family … that’s how we were raised; and being the 3rd of 6 is interesting but I love that we’re all so close. I love my family so much. I think my family is the best! *like I’m sure most people do*

Our family has endured so much and have come even farther… especially the last 2 and a half years. Losing our Mom has definitely taken its toll on each of us individually as well as us as a family. Not to take away from extended friends and family that are affected; but what I appreciate the most is that she raised us to be each others “rock” as she was for so many. Many people would often ask or say “how are you guys making it?” “how are you not crying all the time?” What they fail to realize is that we have to live it Everyday and because she raised us to be there for each other and be each others strength we have continued to be just as strong of a family if not stronger.

I’m especially proud of my family for how far they’ve come. Each of us has began to move forward; whether the intention was robotic or not. The 2 nephews are growing up so fast and they are so sweet, smart and big =) My older siblings are such an inspiration with raising their families and finding strength and solitude in “small groups” and finishing school. And the younger siblings are doing great also. Taking life by the horns and couponing away to be frugal; becoming a Disney cast member; and getting through high school. I’m so proud to say that these are my siblings.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t jealous or even embarrassed because I see how far they’ve all come and if I were being completely honest with myself I haven’t come very far at all. I’ve always been the type to do for others; take care of others and put myself on the back burner and I suppose its starting to bite me in the ass =p. By choice I’ve put my life on hold to help others and perhaps that has been my crutch and now I am faced with becoming complacent with mediocrity because I don’t trust or believe I deserve better than that. I didn’t realize how much I depended on my mom. It’s paralyzing. My confidence goes hand in hand with my demise. Without her I don’t know who I am and I don’t remember who I was when she was here. I feel like my entire being is a blank canvas full of voids that I don’t know where to begin.

Getting rear ended in July could be the best or worst thing that’s happened to me. Worst because it caused me to take some time off and now I suppose all of my inner demons are beginning to surface and now I’m forced to face everything I’ve been putting on the back burner. The best is yet to come but that could be one of the reasons it’s the best thing that’s happened to me Because everything is surfacing.

I’m at my best when I’m busy and sometimes it can be overkill. It’s pretty common for me to have too much on my plate because normally I can handle it pretty well but recently that hasn’t been the case. Juggling school full time; trying to finish school and work pretty much full time at least the past several months, all the different doctors appointments, trying to have the energy to get through the days when I have to work graveyard till 6a, which is usually in the middle of my week when I need to be in school, and trying to be accessible to my family and get enough rest so I don’t get sick or burnt out. Well I’ve definitely just been going through the motions and I’ve become robotic; especially the last year and a half. I am at my wits end. I agree that I could force myself to do more and sleep in my car and go straight to school after the nights I work graveyard and begin making that my routine. If I were being honest… I cant do it anymore. I’m so burnt out. I’m tired of being strong. I can’t take on school, work, the extended family drama, AND deal with my inner demons and ’do more’.

On the flip side. I am my worst enemy; and toughest critic. I completely understand what my family and even the manfriend are telling me I should do with so much conviction that if they could do it for me or force me to do it they would. “If you just surrender it all to God and fix yourself spiritually then everything else will fall into place….” Suggestions were to join a small group; do a bible study with Aunty Tina; do something to give back… something to rejuvenate my spirit…. I don’t know if I can let it all go. I can handle a lot of things but I’m finding that there isn’t much more that I can handle. It’s scary; shameful; and somewhat embarrassing to know what I have to do to make myself better and to admit that I’m too scared to do it. Maybe the successful outcome is what frightens me. Like I still feel like I don’t deserve better than mediocre because it hasn’t ever been presented to me. Maybe I feel that way because I realize I’m at the beginning of my walk with God; or maybe its because I was so dependant on mom when I should’ve been dependant on God from the beginning. Knowing what I have to do; what I should do and actually surrendering and facing it are all completely different things. Maybe I’m ashamed because it took My Entire World to die for me to go to God. Maybe unlike my siblings who have come so far but still have moments of weakness, I’m still very angry with God; or maybe I’m still angry with myself for all of the previously stated reasons. Whatever the reason is it’s not the important thing. What’s important is that I know like Moses that even though I’m skeptical and afraid I do need to just lay it at his feet. He has needed to tell me time and time again “Give it up…. Let it go… and Throw it down.”

I got that last quote from Chuck Swindoll’s series of a Year of Letting Go. Ironically as I was writing this at work I was listening to S.O.S. Radio 90.5 and this message came on air and completely spoke to me as I was finishing this blog. Talk about the word of God. He spoke of Moses and how when the Lord chose Moses to save his people Moses was extremely hesitant and skeptical asking God “how will the people know I was here with you?” and God told him to put down the staff that was in his hand and Moses was very resistant but eventually threw it down. The Lord turned it into a snake and instructed Moses to pick it up by its tail. Once again Moses was hesitant and again the Lord instructed him with more conviction to pick up the snake by its tail and when Moses did it turned into his staff again, That is when God told him that with that staff he will do things that will prove to the people that God had sent him to save them. He also spoke of Abraham and because Abraham was going to sacrifice the person he loved most, he proved that he loved God more.

So, knowing everything on my plate and then some… maybe the solution is as simple as Giving it up… Letting it go.... and Throwing it down.