Last Time --- 4.30.2008

Today 3 years ago was the last time I would ever see you. I look back and replay it in my mind .... my very last physical memory of you ... you took me to the airport so I could fly back to Maui... Stupid! sooo Stupid! i should have just stayed! I should have done and said so many things... and you knew there were things I needed to tell you didnt you.... That's why you gave me the book and wrote what you did inside of it didnt you? ... I know you knew because you were a mom; a Great mom!

You wanted me to grow in my faith and trust in Him because you knew that I could barely trust anyone else; even myself... so you told me that whenever there was something i wanted to tell you but couldnt to open to any page in this book and you believed that "whatever words were there in front of me, will be just the words i would need to give me strength and guide me to the next step in my life." You believed that they would be Your words; Gods' words.

I'm about to complete school and initially I enrolled because I needed to prove to myself that I could live my life; move on... without you. Through everything; both accidents, endless doctors appointments, consistant pain and headaches, drama (family related or not), working 3 different jobs throughout the length of school AND going to school while working, ridiculous work schedules, building a base clientel, and doing hair; through it all I DID IT! JUST ME & NO ONE ELSE! I'M FINISHING IT! & NO ONE CAN TAKE THIS AWAY FROM ME! That alone feels AMAZING!

I've Never done anything for just ME! It's always involved or been for someone else And me. Never Just for Me! Thank you for giving me the strength to endure it all and finish it! As Wonderful as this feels it does piss me off a little bit; not gonna lie. Of course, I wish you were here! I wish so so many things! but at the end of the day as much pain as I realize that I'm still in I continue to keep it pushin! Not for you anymore... for ME!

I am still very sad when I think of all the milestones in my life *as well as the rest of the family* that you're missing. I dont know how I did this without your physical, emotional, and psychological support but I did. Like I stated in my previous blog... its Crazy Beautiful because I completely believe that everything I needed from YOU during all of this I got from specific people and events that You and God placed in my life. I didnt realize how much until recently but you've been guiding me the entire time. There's a reason the last thing we did together was get our Hair done; and the career path I chose was Hair! There's a reason why Brigittes Prom was Today! and I was able to be there for her and aunty to get her ready! We all know you would have totally been there too...and you were! I couldnt have created what I did without some spiritual help! Especially because i totally just wang it! hahaha

You always told me... "Give it up to God and trust Him" ... Thank you Marmy! As sad and angry as I was this morning the events of this day has made me smile =D Thank you God! Thank you Mama! for instilling in me Grace, understanding, comfort, confidence, guidance, strength and wisdom as I continue on this journey in my life. I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU SO MUCH

Jerimiah 29:11-13
¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.