Give it up...Let it go...Throw it down

I come from a rather large family. There are 6 kids and whenever my family can all get together its such a beautiful sight! So warm and full of laughter, tears, love and even fights. We are a bi-coastal family so when we are all able to be together its always extremely memorable and monumental. We have always been a very close family … that’s how we were raised; and being the 3rd of 6 is interesting but I love that we’re all so close. I love my family so much. I think my family is the best! *like I’m sure most people do*

Our family has endured so much and have come even farther… especially the last 2 and a half years. Losing our Mom has definitely taken its toll on each of us individually as well as us as a family. Not to take away from extended friends and family that are affected; but what I appreciate the most is that she raised us to be each others “rock” as she was for so many. Many people would often ask or say “how are you guys making it?” “how are you not crying all the time?” What they fail to realize is that we have to live it Everyday and because she raised us to be there for each other and be each others strength we have continued to be just as strong of a family if not stronger.

I’m especially proud of my family for how far they’ve come. Each of us has began to move forward; whether the intention was robotic or not. The 2 nephews are growing up so fast and they are so sweet, smart and big =) My older siblings are such an inspiration with raising their families and finding strength and solitude in “small groups” and finishing school. And the younger siblings are doing great also. Taking life by the horns and couponing away to be frugal; becoming a Disney cast member; and getting through high school. I’m so proud to say that these are my siblings.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t jealous or even embarrassed because I see how far they’ve all come and if I were being completely honest with myself I haven’t come very far at all. I’ve always been the type to do for others; take care of others and put myself on the back burner and I suppose its starting to bite me in the ass =p. By choice I’ve put my life on hold to help others and perhaps that has been my crutch and now I am faced with becoming complacent with mediocrity because I don’t trust or believe I deserve better than that. I didn’t realize how much I depended on my mom. It’s paralyzing. My confidence goes hand in hand with my demise. Without her I don’t know who I am and I don’t remember who I was when she was here. I feel like my entire being is a blank canvas full of voids that I don’t know where to begin.

Getting rear ended in July could be the best or worst thing that’s happened to me. Worst because it caused me to take some time off and now I suppose all of my inner demons are beginning to surface and now I’m forced to face everything I’ve been putting on the back burner. The best is yet to come but that could be one of the reasons it’s the best thing that’s happened to me Because everything is surfacing.

I’m at my best when I’m busy and sometimes it can be overkill. It’s pretty common for me to have too much on my plate because normally I can handle it pretty well but recently that hasn’t been the case. Juggling school full time; trying to finish school and work pretty much full time at least the past several months, all the different doctors appointments, trying to have the energy to get through the days when I have to work graveyard till 6a, which is usually in the middle of my week when I need to be in school, and trying to be accessible to my family and get enough rest so I don’t get sick or burnt out. Well I’ve definitely just been going through the motions and I’ve become robotic; especially the last year and a half. I am at my wits end. I agree that I could force myself to do more and sleep in my car and go straight to school after the nights I work graveyard and begin making that my routine. If I were being honest… I cant do it anymore. I’m so burnt out. I’m tired of being strong. I can’t take on school, work, the extended family drama, AND deal with my inner demons and ’do more’.

On the flip side. I am my worst enemy; and toughest critic. I completely understand what my family and even the manfriend are telling me I should do with so much conviction that if they could do it for me or force me to do it they would. “If you just surrender it all to God and fix yourself spiritually then everything else will fall into place….” Suggestions were to join a small group; do a bible study with Aunty Tina; do something to give back… something to rejuvenate my spirit…. I don’t know if I can let it all go. I can handle a lot of things but I’m finding that there isn’t much more that I can handle. It’s scary; shameful; and somewhat embarrassing to know what I have to do to make myself better and to admit that I’m too scared to do it. Maybe the successful outcome is what frightens me. Like I still feel like I don’t deserve better than mediocre because it hasn’t ever been presented to me. Maybe I feel that way because I realize I’m at the beginning of my walk with God; or maybe its because I was so dependant on mom when I should’ve been dependant on God from the beginning. Knowing what I have to do; what I should do and actually surrendering and facing it are all completely different things. Maybe I’m ashamed because it took My Entire World to die for me to go to God. Maybe unlike my siblings who have come so far but still have moments of weakness, I’m still very angry with God; or maybe I’m still angry with myself for all of the previously stated reasons. Whatever the reason is it’s not the important thing. What’s important is that I know like Moses that even though I’m skeptical and afraid I do need to just lay it at his feet. He has needed to tell me time and time again “Give it up…. Let it go… and Throw it down.”

I got that last quote from Chuck Swindoll’s series of a Year of Letting Go. Ironically as I was writing this at work I was listening to S.O.S. Radio 90.5 and this message came on air and completely spoke to me as I was finishing this blog. Talk about the word of God. He spoke of Moses and how when the Lord chose Moses to save his people Moses was extremely hesitant and skeptical asking God “how will the people know I was here with you?” and God told him to put down the staff that was in his hand and Moses was very resistant but eventually threw it down. The Lord turned it into a snake and instructed Moses to pick it up by its tail. Once again Moses was hesitant and again the Lord instructed him with more conviction to pick up the snake by its tail and when Moses did it turned into his staff again, That is when God told him that with that staff he will do things that will prove to the people that God had sent him to save them. He also spoke of Abraham and because Abraham was going to sacrifice the person he loved most, he proved that he loved God more.

So, knowing everything on my plate and then some… maybe the solution is as simple as Giving it up… Letting it go.... and Throwing it down.

The ManFriend Meets the Sisters

Its taken me a year to introduce the manfriend to my dad and the rest of my family. In my previous blog about our Anniversary weekend I explain all of that. So, now it’s time to let you in on how the weekend went when he met the rest of my sisters and one of my nephews.

It was an awesome weekend! We did nothing but watch movies; ate plenty good food; played games (but he didn’t participate in the Michael Jackson Experience =p maybe next time); and just hung out with the family; my family. The nephew and him definitely had a bonding experience which was fabulous to see. They were crackin up over a game that they weren’t even really playing. They just kept throwing the balls and missing the target and literally laughing for at least a good half hour if not more. They were sooo stinkin cute and hopefully, the weekend gave him a better understanding of me, who I am, how I am and the root of it all where I come from.

 You see, throughout the first year of our relationship I was happily engrossed in his world, his family, his friends, his life. I have grown to love and appreciate his family and friends because it gave me a better understanding of the man that he is. So, before I brought him into my world and my life I was hoping no I was praying the same would happen for him.

Hopefully it did… I think it did anyway hahaha. Especially because he was really welcomed into the family… It wouldn’t be a true welcome if he wasn’t there for a family fight hahahaha. yup that’s right, front and center of a fight with ranting and raving, walking away and chasing and even some tears. My family isn’t one to leave elephants in the room so he most definitely got a taste of that. I’m used to my family being too much for most people *and I don’t understand why cause we’re the shiiiaatt!* hahaha needless to say the manfriend fit right in just like I thought and hoped he would. I was never really worried about the family liking or disliking him; I was more worried about what he would think of Me after this weekend hahaha.

Well whatever he thought it wasn’t ALL bad because he CANT wait to be with the Entire family again. So the weekend was a huge success and most definitely left room for many more good times to be had… so stay tuned for more crazy family stories. Maybe the next story will be about the manfriend and baby sister and brother battling on MJ Experience hahahaha.

Anniversary

Oct. 17, 2010

(im a little late with this post... my bad LOL)

It's been a year since we made it official and you asked me to be your girlfriend and what a year its been. We've been through so much; much more than the average couple, at least we think so LoL. From many times of great joy and happiness, to just as many times of loss, sorrow and sadness.

We've been on many journeys, you and me; and the #1 thing that we both agree on that keeps us growing stronger and together is our spiritual journey. I firmly believe that if it wasn't for us choosing to go on that path together and taking turns emailing each other "Bible Quotes" as we like to call them; I honestly don't believe that we would've been able to get through half; if any, of the things God has placed in our path. 

As more time passes and we continue to learn more about each other and even though I'm learning how different and complete opposites we are; I've also learned that its the things that make us so different that I Love and Appreciate the most. For example; you're patient - I'm not LOL well not as much as you hahaha it depends on the topic hahaha; you're passive - I'm aggressive; I handle both the "bad" & "good" emotions and you just like to deal with the "good." =p I unintentionally push people away once I've opened up my heart to them and you continue to choose to stay =D Its harder for you to be away from those closest to you and I suppose me being a military brat has made that easier for me; you hate drama - I'm a drama queen; I'm good at handling confrontation - you don't like it so much.... I'm sure the list can go on and on...but... I believe the fact that we're both "real ass people" and that our common morales and values are what make us so magnetically connected... God, Family, School/Work, and each other....

I'm finally able to let down one of my strongest walls and let you into my Entire world; My Ohana. Losing both my biological parents, especially my Marmy, has made it difficult if not impossible to invite new people into our lives. I'm extremely protective of my family and because of that it took me a year to let you in. Not because I doubted the great man that you are... but simply because I was being overly cautious and I didn't want to let anyone into our lives that I wasn't absolutely positive was going to stay. We didn't need anymore people coming and going or feeling sorry for us; we've had enough of that already. You and my sisters know I could've went longer but I'm glad I didn't. I'm glad you finally met Dad, Zac again and my Church Family that continues to grow. I'm over excited for you to finally meet your "friend" and my other sister and one of my nephews, Makoa! I wish you could meet everyone else too like my other brother Brandon, my other neefy Kai, and the dashes Tasha and Stephen, but you'll meet them one day soon =D

So, anyway, what'd we do for our Anniversary weekend... well it didn't start off the way we'd planned...  his flight was delayed and against our better judgements he had a connecting flight that he ended up missing because of the delay. He didn't arrive into Vegas until almost midnight Friday night =/ The plan was to watch Jabbawockeez at 9:30 then hit up Serendipity Friday night... Saturday was early dinner around 5 then Zumanity at 7:30 and laser crystal after... Sunday was Church, Lunch with Dad and Zac, then chillax for the rest of the night and Monday he left early in the morning.

Well... since he didn't get in until midnight Friday night we had to shift everything over a day. Thankfully the box offices at both Monte Carlo and NYNY were gracious enough to reimburse and change the dates. =D So we got to do everything we planned and a little more. It wasn't the weekend I had envisioned but it ended up being better. I suppose God knows we can handle curve balls LOL in the end WE came out better... we had some great conversations ... laughs... cries... and bonded with my family. I cant wait till you can be around my family more and I know you cant wait either.

The greatest things I've learned so far being in this long distance relationship with you is Communication, Patience, Faith, and Trust. Although all are very difficult to keep hold of; being with you has made it easier to endure.

"Like you said we have to go through all the bad times if we can go through the happy times. Thank you for being patient with me and I know we can get through it all together.

 'Pressing Toward The Goal' I think this title means a lot to US and OUR RELATIONSHIP"

Thank you for being everything I never new I always wanted and needed. Thank you for grinding it out with me as we both go through school, work and everything life throws our way. I Appreciate You!

Happy Anniversary Marcus! I LOVE YOU

2 Years

Its been 2 years since you were taken from us and this year seems harder than the last. Perhaps its because it may not be a biased thought of; "something could have prevented this," or maybe its because of everything we've all accomplished and wanting to share all of it with you becaues it means more now and we feel like you would be more pround now than you were then.

You're missing out on so much and that's what breaks my heart the most. I know you are always around us. I know you've had a hand in Everything that's happened in my life for the past 2 years; and none of it would have been possible if it wasnt for you. I try to not harbor on everything your missing but its difficult. I'm still angry ... just as angry as I was last year... if not more! I keep thinking to myself ... Moving caused me to miss out on 3 years of You! And for WHAT? Moving is my lifes biggest regret! I wish I could tell you I'm Sorry! I know you supported me moving and you wouldn't want me walking around with this guilt but I am.


I should be focusing on what's to come and all the good things that have been brought into my life; but I'm struggling. I'm struggling with the "for what??" part! nothing good came out of me moving. Ok, ok some good things came out of it like me coaching volleyball again with Rachael and ya that's pretty much it.... you see where I'm struggling with this?!?!? =p


I'm still extremely numb to all the joy and happiness that is in my life. I'm unable to basque in those moments of happiness for fear of when they will end. I find myself holding back my heart and feelings. My faith continues to be tested and at the end of the day I realize that I need to Trust in the Lord and your greatest lesson (as Lesle so wonderfully put it) "...greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world." 1 John 4:4


With that being said; Thank you for guiding me the last 2 years. Thank you for everyone and everything you've brought into my life, and taken out of it. I wish you could meet the people you've brought into my life. Like Katie, Carmen and their Families; Mek and his Family; even Shea's boyfriend Sean. You would love all of them I'm sure of it.

I miss you so much! Thank you for always being there. There's so much more I want to share but its late and getting difficult to put my thoughts into motion so for now... Good night, Thank you, I Love You and I MISS YOU

P.S. Thank you for visiting Uncle David!

Ok I'm back... and now I can think a little clearer. It's a wonder what rest can do for you LOL

As much as it feels like its more difficult this year than it was last year; the difference is, this year even with the guilt there are also more people in my life; great people that You brought into my life; to help me with everything. I know that I have a long way to go and I should probably get some therapy LoL and unlike Shea I still can't think of things you've taught me and write them down. Its more of a deja vu type of thing for me where I'll do something and later realize and say "ya I got that from mom." I suppose that's due to the fact that my mind is still trying to get past the wishing you were here and not missing out on everything; rather than remembering your legacy and everything you left behind that's within each of us. But I'll get there. I know that the future has many struggles for me but atleast now I wont feel like I have to go through them alone. The light at the end of the tunnel is a little brighter and that is thanks to you telling me constantly to hold on to my Faith and give it all up to God and believe that everything will be ok.

"Dear God, Please give me the strength to get through this. Give me also an understanding heart and give me grace so that I can also extend grace! I give it all up to you Lord." - My Mama's Prayer 

You were right mama. The words on these pages reflect the exact thing you would say to me. Thank you for leaving this behind for me. I Love You Marmy!

Rear Ended =(

On July 14, 2010 I was rear ended on the way to school =( I was stopped at a stoplight with multiple cars in front of me, when all of a sudden I got hit! A Dodge Ram F150 rammed *no pun intended =p * into a Ford Explorer which caused the Explorer to hit me!

Everyone had insurance so that's a PLUS! I ended up being injured from the accident so after the police officer released me to go I drove right down the street to the nearest UMC Quick Care ... Long story short the at fault parties insurance deemed my car totalled! So I suppose the upside is I get a new car =) hopefully a cuter one LoL

It is now Aug. 1, 2010 and yup you guessed it... I'M STILL IN PAIN!!! My entire back and neck are so strained it hurts to stand for longer than 5 minutes and it hurts to sit also! NO BUENO!!! Even worse because I'm going to Cosmetology School and have to stand for loooong periods of time with little or no breaks in between my doctor advised me that I need to take a L.O.A from school to get my back and neck stronger =( Believe me I have been tossing and turning about this for over a week and last Tuesday I finally got up the strength to do it. I'm very bothered by this! Especially since I only have 7 months left! GGRRR! This accident is SOOOO very inconvenient!!!

Then to make matters even more dreadful I found out that I am being offered LOWER than the Kelly Blue Book Value!! I understand that the insurance company doesn't go by the Kelly Blue Book value and they base their estimate on the Cash Value of the vehicle in the area it resides in! *HOGWASH I SAY* but UUGGHH it's so frustrating because I'm not really getting anything Positive out of this! My back will ALWAYS hurt and will NEVER be the same =( and being a hairstylist its tough to "take it easy." Maybe something positive will come out of this later... like my sister said maybe I'll find a "gem." I certainly hope so!

All I know is; it could've been MUCH worse and I'm grateful it wasn't and all I can do is give it all up to God. After all this is all part of his master plan. I just need to have Faith and Trust in Him. So, this is my testimony ....

I GIVE IT ALL UP TO YOU LORD! WHATEVER YOUR WILL IS; THAT IS THE WAY IT WILL BE. I MAY NOT LIKE THAT I HAD TO TAKE A BREAK FROM SCHOOL BUT I TRUST YOU LORD AND WHATEVER CAR IS THE ONE FOR ME I WILL HAVE NO DOUBTS ABOUT IT BECAUSE YOU WILL LAY IT OUT IN FRONT OF ME. AND WHATEVER REASON YOU HAVE FOR PUTTING ME THROUGH THIS I WILL BE PATIENT AND CONTINUE TO HAVE FAITH IN YOU AND KNOW THAT IT WILL BE OK. AMEN.....

Praying

Many things has happened since I last posted. My apologies... not like I have any followers who actually read my blogs anyway aside from my sisters *who happen to be my only followers LoL* so i use that as an excuse not to make it a priority =p but I'm working on it... I swear I am...

Where to begin... some minoot things have occurred... some non important people have withered out of my life which is Wonderful for me and with no reason behind it obviously I'm doing something right LoL So hate on =D and on the flip side more WONDERFUL people have entered and remained in my life! WOOT WOOT! I've switched jobs; which in itself is a blessing... so I guess I'll start there..

I was feeling very unappreciated at my old job so instead of bitching and complaining I simply did something about it and found another job =D and I LOVE IT! i get to sit down which is AMAZING on its own LOL and its fast paced and the people are hilarious and it will definitely hold me over until the next chapter of my life will begin =D ...

I will be finished with Cosmetology School in Dec/Jan which is such an accomplishment because I truly LOVE it and apparently I'm pretty good at it considering I was offered to assist under an Amazing stylist at the Beverly Hills Hotel John Martin Salon when I'm finished with school.... but I'll go into detail about that when it isn't soooo surreal to me =p I am so very grateful; I'm beside myself. but like I said I'll have a separate blog all about that in a couple of months =D

My relationship with my Manfriend is fabulous. There honestly isn't anything bad to say.... patience is our main struggle; seeing as its a long distance relationship and all. but he is absolutely amazing and I am so lucky that he's so supportive and understanding *among other things* but I thank God everyday for bringing him into my life.

But on a sadder note... some friends of mines grandfather or "Tatay" as they call him aren't doing so well and neither is their aunt. Their Tatay has undergone many open heart surgeries and his heart valves are leaking and the percentage of him coming out of another open heart surgery isn't very likely but if he doesn't have surgery he'll be in constant pain.... and their aunt has stage 3 pancreatic cancer and her tumor is malignant. Please pray for them and their families.

Also within my own family we had to lay one of the best dogs in the world to rest today. Chili Dawg was my Brother in Laws dog. He's had Chili since before we knew him. Chili was such a wonderful dog. She was so protective of my nephew and has been a part of our family. Please pray for my family... to My EastCoastLoves I LOVE YOU and Chili you will always be remembered and never forgotten. I wish I could be there with my family this really blows that money is the issue! oh and work =p EFF!! I LOVE YOU OHANA!!

He Knows....

Although I've been hurt, I choose to smile.

Although I've been lied to, I remain honest.

Although the pain cuts me so deep, I know the sun will shine in the morning because I know where I'm going......

They say the Lord only gives you as much as you can handle, and if this is what I have to go through to see brighter days then Dear Lord keep it coming, although it's not exactly what I expected.