3 Years to Yesterday

Dear Marmy,

I had a Volleyball game on Lanai and I was up till 1a making my infamous spam musubis for the team. I remember speaking to you earlier that Friday; you were in the hospital and you had just finished getting the camera down your throat so the doctors can see what was wrong with you; needless to say it was a short conversation because  wanted you to get some rest and I was supposed to call you after our game to tell you how it went... That never happened.

I remember looking at my clock right before I fell asleep because I thought to myself "ok 1am I have 3 hours to sleep before I need to wake up to get to the bus." Then I got that horrible call at 2a that has forever changed my life. My worst fear had come true and having to live it everyday is indescribable.

3 years and it feels like yesterday... yup I'm still super upset! If only you could see us now and everything we've endured and accomplished! But... I'm sure you already know all of this right?



Its strange... Last year I missed you of course and needed you to help me get  through what was a difficult thing for me to do; do something for me... just me and no one else. And I did it! I finished school through all the road blocks and now the real work begins... the reality of the fear sets in and I'm finding myself missing and needing you more then I did last year. The freshness of it all is mind blowing. What's even stranger is that through the pain, all of us have pushed on and we've turned to God to give us the strength that you would provide for us. None of us have stopped or played the victim long enough to let a huge chunk of our lives pass by. We've all carried each other through it and have the same belief; use our tragedy to help heal others. Because you raised us to be there for everyone else because we have our family to be there for us.

So, today is a reminder of what our family, your family Lives everyday; and its a day for us to be there for those who remember. <3

Missing you more than ever! I Love you always Marmy!

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight

Romans 12:12
Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing steadfastly in prayer

we likes to party ....

It was an Epic week to say the least! So many things happened and as the week went by the events in the days began to mesh together ... that's what happens when you meet new friends, have a great time, plenty of laughs, plenty of drinks and drop it like its hot hahahaha. Not to mention meeting a celebrity or 2 or 3 hahaha...The best part about it was creating those lasting memories that we sometimes take advantage of.

Whatever f#$% you guys my feet Still hurt and its been over a week already hahahaha obviously Great times! There wasnt a night that we didnt get home before 5am ... Just because I live in Vegas doesnt mean I party like this on the regular; in fact its just the opposite ... pretty much only when people are in town. The past year and a half has been pretty dull as far as the party scene goes.... I was too tired and busy from work and school that I frequently had to turn down the invites on kickin it. But I sure am glad i was able to finally say yes and have absolutely nothing to do but hang out with no interuptions! Last hurrah before I take off for the summer =D

Its mos def bittersweet to have met great new friends and then leave for the summer when they'll be back in vegas throughout the summer but its all good! that's what Facebook, twitter, blogging and cell phones are for hahahaha we're hella connected so there's no excuses and im glad! LOL

I will say it did feel good to let go and i did at times feel like my old carefree self which I've been trying to get back to. So WOOT WOOT LETS DO THIS HAHAHAHA You only live once and I've always been responsible; handled my shit and still celebrated life but more often then not have been labeled with the stereo type of vegas party girl (which isnt exactly a good thing) and i resented that label but fuck it ... go ahead and judge me cause 'What am i doin? oh yeah that's right i'm doing me' and i will continue to keep it pushin and if you choose to judge a book by its cover then you can kick rocks and move right past me because i dont have time for that b.s.

I'm 26 years old and am about to embark and a major milestone in my life with a very significant piece that's missing and nothing is going to knock me down from this high! We dont need no trouble... all we need is Love!

Cant wait to see everyone again! LEGGOOOO!!!

Just Ask

I've always been a pretty open book... some judge the book by its cover but its all good cause they're missin out hahaha ... Durable is my exterior and voided is my interior... I dont have time for games or bull shit so if you wanna know about me or get to know me just ask and I'll tell you. I wear my heart on my sleeve; many hearts may be soft and tender but mine has been bruised with forced resilience and constant doubt but still very open to enduring pain for everyone else so they dont have to hurt; and as I grow closer to God and my Faith I'm finding that's all I need to very slowly fill the voids in my soul.

As I complete this looong ass chapter of my life hahahaha I pray that I will be able to "feel" to the fullest extent and not be so numb and allow myself to enjoy the good things that are happening in my life and realize that even though they may be taken away from me, at least they were there at all. So, bring on the next chapter of my life Lord and Thank you for bringing in all the people; new and old into my life for love and support...

GOD IS GREAT
Jeremiah 29:11

Last Time --- 4.30.2008

Today 3 years ago was the last time I would ever see you. I look back and replay it in my mind .... my very last physical memory of you ... you took me to the airport so I could fly back to Maui... Stupid! sooo Stupid! i should have just stayed! I should have done and said so many things... and you knew there were things I needed to tell you didnt you.... That's why you gave me the book and wrote what you did inside of it didnt you? ... I know you knew because you were a mom; a Great mom!

You wanted me to grow in my faith and trust in Him because you knew that I could barely trust anyone else; even myself... so you told me that whenever there was something i wanted to tell you but couldnt to open to any page in this book and you believed that "whatever words were there in front of me, will be just the words i would need to give me strength and guide me to the next step in my life." You believed that they would be Your words; Gods' words.

I'm about to complete school and initially I enrolled because I needed to prove to myself that I could live my life; move on... without you. Through everything; both accidents, endless doctors appointments, consistant pain and headaches, drama (family related or not), working 3 different jobs throughout the length of school AND going to school while working, ridiculous work schedules, building a base clientel, and doing hair; through it all I DID IT! JUST ME & NO ONE ELSE! I'M FINISHING IT! & NO ONE CAN TAKE THIS AWAY FROM ME! That alone feels AMAZING!

I've Never done anything for just ME! It's always involved or been for someone else And me. Never Just for Me! Thank you for giving me the strength to endure it all and finish it! As Wonderful as this feels it does piss me off a little bit; not gonna lie. Of course, I wish you were here! I wish so so many things! but at the end of the day as much pain as I realize that I'm still in I continue to keep it pushin! Not for you anymore... for ME!

I am still very sad when I think of all the milestones in my life *as well as the rest of the family* that you're missing. I dont know how I did this without your physical, emotional, and psychological support but I did. Like I stated in my previous blog... its Crazy Beautiful because I completely believe that everything I needed from YOU during all of this I got from specific people and events that You and God placed in my life. I didnt realize how much until recently but you've been guiding me the entire time. There's a reason the last thing we did together was get our Hair done; and the career path I chose was Hair! There's a reason why Brigittes Prom was Today! and I was able to be there for her and aunty to get her ready! We all know you would have totally been there too...and you were! I couldnt have created what I did without some spiritual help! Especially because i totally just wang it! hahaha

You always told me... "Give it up to God and trust Him" ... Thank you Marmy! As sad and angry as I was this morning the events of this day has made me smile =D Thank you God! Thank you Mama! for instilling in me Grace, understanding, comfort, confidence, guidance, strength and wisdom as I continue on this journey in my life. I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU SO MUCH

Jerimiah 29:11-13
¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

Crazy Beautiful --- 4.29.2008

Today, 3 Years ago you and I went to Azure Salon and Spa where your hair stylist worked and coincidently my wax lady owned the salon. So, since you wanted to treat me to a haircut I decided to get waxed while you were getting your haircut. It was a great day... a great memory... I just wish it wasnt one of our last.

I look back and it makes me smile... I think you knew there were things I didnt want to tell you because I didnt want you to worry.... and like always you knew not to push me and that I would tell you when I was ready... except this time I never got the chance. This was the last thing we evere did together... i forever regret the choices i made during this time 3 years ago.

My emotions still run high and I continue to ask myself why; then i realize the answer...The void in my soul rises up during key points in our past relationship.... sometimes its good but more often its sad and the pain STILL runs deep; and i dont like it! I continue to be dumbfounded at how fresh the pain still is...every year... everey day....

This year ... after everything I've been through just with school alone and the hurdles I've had to clear in order to get to where I am now... with less than 45 hours left till school is complete....i have so much support from the close circle and i have to continue to have faith that the love and support that i NEED could only come from you.... since that's not possible anymore because you're not here i have to believe that you have placed specific people in my life to get a little of you from each of them. So, thank you for that. Please forgive me but that doesnt change the fact that i wish i could have the real thing.

The irony of it all is that the last thing you and i did together was get our hair done and now I'm about to become a Sassy Hairstylist .... God is a Funny Man.....Crazy Beautiful

Reminisce some time, the night they took my mom
I Try to black it out, but it plays again
When it's real, feelings hard to conceal
Can't imagine all the pain I feel
Give anything to hear half your breath
I know you still living your life, after death

Every step I take, every move I make
Every single day, every time I pray
I'll be missing you
Thinkin of the days, when you went away
What a life to take, what a bond to break
I'll be missing you
I Love You. I Miss You. I Wish You Were Still Here.

Distant Relatives- SaSsY RaStA

Food for my Soul
Music to my Heart
Rejuvinate my Spirit


Had a blast at the Nas & Damian Marley Concert with my cuzzos and the bestest! Great Music..... Great People.... Great Times!


Introducing new friends coming together for OneLove ... we dont need no trouble... all we need is love...

and if I ruled the world.... I'd free all my sons... and then we'd walk right up to the sun... hand in hand....

Our Generation will make a change... every child deserves to learn... "Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of man." -- Rabindranath Tagore


Thanks to my lovebugs for experiencing a kick ass walk on the Road to Zion! Love you guys bunches xoxo

Angels All Around 2.12.11

It was a normal Saturday; I had a client at 1 o'clock then I had work at 5p.  I was on my normal route to school on US 95 south bound. I tend to stay in the far left lane since I just have to stay on one freeway for my entire trip. Normally thats a good idea; but not this Saturday it seems.

Omg! I can't catch a break! At least no one else was hurt except for me. But damn can people stop hitting me please! This was the scariest shit ever! The airbags saved me from more damage according to the paramedics and firemen .... THANK YOU JESUS. But please people drive safely! Eff!!

I got sideswiped on the freeway which made me hit the wall and then I ricocheted off the wall and began spinning 180 degrees and traveling to the other side of the freeway at the same time and when I finally came to and opened my eyes my car jolted to a stop and I was facing on coming traffic. Praying and screaming for the other cars to be able to stop before someone else hit me.

Thankfully everyone was able to stop in time and Thankfully I didnt hit anyone else while I was spinning out of control. If you remember; I was rear-ended in the middle of July and have pre-existing medical conditions of 3 bulging discs and 1 protruding disc in the cervical part of my spine; so I'm praying that this accident; these injuries didnt make anything worse... if anything I'm praying that they were "whipped" back into place LoL.

For the materialistic part of my life... I LOOOOOVED MY CAR!!! I've only had it for 5 months! It was a perfect car for me! I had little to work with when I had to shop for another car and I ended up finding a gem! I totally believe it was God-sent. It was my moms high school colors, it was already tinted very dark, and there was already a stereo system in it with an ipod dock; it was perfect for me! And now its all buss up! =(

As perfect as this car was for me; it also saved me! So, I'm thankful for that. I had a crazy moment at school last week; a crazy moment about my mom. For a split second I believed she was still alive and I could come home to talk to her. I wondered why I had a moment like that and then this happened. Then my cousin shared a story about a dream he had right before my mom passed and it was about our family and how my biological dad came to take my mom and that it was all going to be ok and we couldn't go with them because we weren't ready yet. I have absolutely NO doubt that my parents were my angels on Saturday, as well as everyday but especially this day.

My Aunt was worried that I would be angry with God because this happened. Truthfully, I never had that thought in my mind at all. All I kept thinking about when it happened was, 1)Aww man not AGAIN 2) MY CAR!! I LOVE MY CAR I DONT WANT TO HAVE TO SHOP FOR A NEW ONE and 3) what do i need to do to finish school. While I was speaking to my aunty, my sister, and my brother I realized that I felt like Job from the Bible. How my faith and heart were being tested and in the past I very much Would have been angry with God and that would have been my first battle to overcome but that isnt the case this time. The story of my life has always been a "fight." I've had to fight for everything in my life. Maybe this is one of the reasons this happened; not to show God where my heart is because He already knows that answer; but to show Me how strong I am and how strong my faith in Him is.

I know that it could have been soooo much worse and it could have been another tragic thing my family and I would have had to go through. Its a miracle and I knew how lucky I was but even more so now I know that if I wasn't so strong in my faith and walk with God that things may not have turned out as well as they did. Dont get me wrong this shit sucks! Having to endure all of this again; the pain, the doctors, the insurances, shopping for another car; all of that SUCKS! But I cant help but be grateful to even be walking away from this accident. Theres still a long road ahead and I have absolutely NO patience when it comes to recovery *which is probably another lesson I'm supposed to learn* LoL.

The only reason I'm even posting anything about this experience on here, facebook and twitter is to share my faith in God; to share what I feel was a miraculous moment in my life, and to share how much I realize how extraordinary lucky I am and how much my love for God has changed my outlook on life.

I still believe that my life will always be complicated but with the my trust in God I believe those complications will be easier to bear. Whatever His will is, I WILL finish school even though the question arises "why does my finishing school continue to get prolonged by unforeseen circumstances?"

I just want to finish school and do GREAT HAIR!!!! "... I swear that my personal tragedy will not effect my ability to do great hair!" hahahaha True story though whatever the reason is for all of this; I WILL finish school in the next couple of months so that hopefully I can spend the summer with my family!

Goodnight bloggers.Dream Sweet. xoxo